Again, I use this blog to write about what’s on my mind today. And today, it seems my mind is completely obsessed with food. Quite literally. My every step, my every thought is about how “hungry” I am.
Am I truly starving? Of course not. In fact, for all intents and purposes, I should not even be hungry. I think I’m just recently coming to terms with the fact that I’m a “Psychological Eater,” not emotional, though I do like to scarf down snacks and munchies at fun, social occasions. But I don’t dive for ice cream when I’m depressed. If anything, I tend to lay off the eats when I’m down. Like I can’t be bothered. It’s an EFFORT to do much of anything when I’m down, and getting up to find something to put in my mouth is too much work. I’ve joked (wrongly, I know this) that Ron should pretend to dump me so that I could drop 30 pounds “just like that.” Of course that could never happen healthily, effectively or productively.
Why, you might ask, is today any different? Yesterday, I decided (for the 854th time, I joked with my friend Katie) that I need to take control of my weight. I casually (and factually, in my opinion) use the word “fat” to describe (but not define) myself. My friends are quick to jump in with “you’re not FAT!” That’s very kind of them. But false. I’m in the “obese” category when it comes to medical optimum weight charts. My Body Mass Index is embarrassing. I tend to ‘carry’ my weight evenly, so it’s deceiving. I’ve never gathered the guts to get on one of those “Win A Prize” scales at amusement parks. You know the one – the dude guesses your age, weight or birthday and he’s given a small window for error. I’m quite sure I’d get away with the weight one (and maybe even the age on some good (and bad!) days). I never understood how they could guess BIRTHDAY!
And so I digress. As I often do.
In this Taking Control of My Weight Decision yesterday, I chose to do it the most logical, healthy, ‘life-change’ way possible: Cut out the Crap, Eat the Good Stuff. That means all natural. Stuff that grows from the earth. Things with less then 3 ingredients (no, not literally, but close). I don’t believe in all the fad ways of dropping weight out there. Stuffing my body with tons of meat and cheese and leaving out apples because of their sugar content, while it might work (temporarily), does not make sense to me. It doesn’t even sound good! I’m not a huge meat-eater to begin with, so why would I shove burgers (“Hold the bun, please.”) down my throat to get skinny?
I lost 25 lbs. after the birth of Sam using Weight Watchers. I know there are pros and cons behind their program (as there are with any weight-loss design), but FOR ME, this worked, and it made sense. I used their “Flex Plan” program, which essentially lets you eat whatever you want, but you have to use a point system to calculate your foods, and you are allotted a certain amount of points per day. My number was 26. While that was challenging, it was possible to do. You take the calorie content, number of fat grams and number of fiber grams per food item, put ‘em into a little calculator, and VOILA, out comes the number of points your food equals. Of course the healthier the food, the lower the points. But it allows you those cookies and Doritoes you just HAVE to have.
So it’s those cookies and Doritoes that I openly admit have gotten me to the weight I’m at. I’m a sucker for crap food. I like snacks. I like salt. I like sugar. I like crunchy things. And I don’t care what they say, about eating celery and carrots to satisfy your crunch craving, or eat a nice sweet juicy orange or apple to satisfy your sweet craving! That’s a CROCK. Especially if you are a Psychological Eater like me. An apple is NOT a Snickers bar. It never was and never will be.
This time around, I’ve chosen Weight Watcher’s “Core Plan.” It’s easy – eat veggies and fruits in their natural state, some grains, fat free milk, lean meats and fish. I’m using their foods as a guide, but in essence, this is not a trademarked diet. This is the way it should be. Hundreds of years ago, food was not processed. No one had any idea what high fructose corn syrup was, or even imagined it. I want to eat like it’s the year 1758... but with a GardenBurger here and there.
I’ve been realizing lately how IMPORTANT it is for me to push aside – SHOVE aside – my greedy, gluttonous mental cravings and get into a lifestyle that will promote a longevity to life that I owe my children. I admit it – at least for now – I am doing this for Samson and Thomas. Undoubtedly, once the weight starts coming off, and I’m no longer paralyzed in the mornings with dead muscle back pain and sore feet for no reason other than the weight I’m carrying around, I will feel better FOR ME. But right now, I fantasize about Sam wanting me to ice skate with him for hockey practice, and I’m unable to do it. I’d certainly go out there and try, but would fail miserably. I’m picturing Thom wanting to kick the soccer ball around on the sidelines of one of Sam’s soccer games, and me just wanting to sit instead.
Today, I find myself ‘daydreaming’ about the foods I’ve decided to no longer eat. I’m telling myself that I’m starving, and want nothing more than a Grab Bag of Chips A-Hoy. For the past few MONTHS, I’ve been making that my breakfast, paired with a bottle of skim milk (ha ha) or diet Pepsi (ha ha). Then I’d turn around and eat a big bagel 2 hours later with peanut butter or cream cheese. A big lunch in 2 more hours, a snack when I’d get home and then munching and crunching and snacking the rest of the night, all topped with a “nightcap” around 11pm of a big bowl of cereal.
I think I’m finally tired of joking with the girls at lunch about how hungry I always am, or how much I can put in my belly. We all laugh. And it is light comedy for lighter conversation. But the fact is, when the gal sitting next to me is the same height and 100 pounds lighter than me and gets full with HALF a packaged spinach salad, I start to think that I’m a monster. I’m the BIG GIRL who can’t possibly survive on half a salad!!!
But I think I can be. I think I can be the girl who is content and happy, for a myriad of reasons, present and future, on just a salad and a couple crackers. I want to be the girl that uses food as fuel. I no longer want to look at a pan of chicken wing dip and think about how I need to eat as much as I can cause I won’t be eating this again any time soon. That’s a ludicrous thought. We live in a country where I personally will never go hungry.
That is the other facet of this change. I used the word “gluttonous” earlier. That is how I feel. I won’t feel that way if I eat to satisfaction. I won’t feel guilty for what goes in my mouth of I eat conservatively and NATURALLY. I’m not a caveman wondering when my next meal will be. It’s disgusting and ridiculous that for years I’ve been eating to such a capacity. Weight will always creep on. People wonder how someone can gain 100, 300, 500! Pounds. “Don’t they see what’s happening to themselves? How do they let that happen?” I think there’s an easy explanation to that. I’ve been able to gain this weight through a combination of denial, procrastination and laziness. Laziness is the King. If I continue at this pace, I may not ever gain 500 pounds, but I could probably easily reach 200 pounds overweight. Have you ever watched The Biggest Loser? Those people got that fat doing all the things I’ve been describing. I don’t think they have “Glandular Disorder” contestants on there. It’s probably against the rules. These are fat, lazy, procrastinators that decided -Enough is Enough.-
I’m also writing this as a testament to myself. I want to keep referencing this entry when I’m about to cave. I know it will happen. It always does. I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want Sam to remember his Mommy as fat. I’m not striving to be a size 2 or 4. I simply want to weigh less, feel better, eat friendlier and live a life that will make myself, my family and my children proud to have a smart wife, mom, daughter and friend.
