But then i thought again. This is the point of this blog. To indulge and address exactly what's on my mind. Sometimes it's not always going to be a drawing or a craft project.
I'm sad because my 4.5 month old son Thomas appears and feels to be weening himself from me. No more bonded, quiet nursing times, holding him in my arms, gazing into his crystal blue eyes, looking back at me as if to say Thank You for loving me and keeping me healthy, fed and safe. He would stop nursing for a moment to smile at me, then hungrily go back to the task at hand. How could something - SOMEONE - so new to this world exhibit such charm and communication before being able to talk and walk?Well, in the past 2-3 weeks, nursing has become a tug-of-war, almost quite literally. Suck, tug, look around, back for 2 seconds, repeat. He's distracted. And I'm frustrated. And I know he can sense that. And so maybe A Cycle begins. Maybe I taste different to him. Maybe he rather enjoys the supplemental formula we've been using, paired with the stereotypical ease of the bottle. Maybe he's starting to teethe. There are a number of factors at work here.
All lead to me and Thom 'growing apart.' Well - boob-wise.
I loved nursing both Sam and Thom. It was my goal with both to make it to one year. I made it to about 6.5 months with Sam. I went thru these same emotions and feelings with Sam. I'm experiencing them all over again with Thom, only 2 months sooner. I told Ron, give me 3-5 days and i should be "over it." With that said, i know i'm trying to mask and 'speed along' the emotions i'm experiencing, to spare everyone. Many a woman never gives her breast to her child and those children turn out just fine; I'm one of those children. So things'll be cool.
I want the best for my kids. I think i'm doing that. No - i know i am. This is just a facet that is certainly bittersweet.
And now, as if on cue, my Hungry Jack beckons...
It is a sad time when kiddos decide to stop nursing. This coming from a mom who always had to make the decision for her kids and not the other way around, prying them both from the breast at the age of 2 1/2, being more than ready to be done herself....but still, even though it was always my decision, I always knew something treasured, precious, unique and special was ending, and I would savor every last moment of it until the very end, even having a ceremonial "last nursing" to help myself (and them a bit) along.
ReplyDeleteYou're right Chris, your kids will be just fine no matter what. If you really want to make the nursing last a bit longer, you can always experiment with getting rid of the extra formula for awhile (if that's an option) and see what happens. They just get so darn fidgety as they get older. And you have every right to mourn this passing of time or new phase, it all happens so fast, why can't they wait until we're ready? : ) be well and peace my friend, Chris W.
I can empathize. I made it to a year with Jaden, but it ceased to be the intimate cuddle time at about two months. After that it was all about efficiency (we're talking 4-5 minutes total) for him and occasional outright refusal. I had to pump and use the Fenugreek supplement to keep up my supply as I fought to keep it going as long as I could. I was sad, too, and felt it to be a lack on my part, even though I knew in my head it wasn't. My husband didn't understand why I took it so hard. He's a great dad, but I just don't think men are capable of understanding the whole bond of breastfeeding thing.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, take your time to mourn without guilt. It's obvious you love your children and I know you'll give them all the love and nutrition they need in whatever way they need it!
Brandis
I don't know why my computer defaulted to my husband's Google account for that last post, but it was from me, not him :)
ReplyDeleteLadies - your posts mean the world to me. So thoughtful and UNDERSTANDING. Thank you so much.
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